Streaks of Light

Posts Tagged ‘depressed

I am quietly freaking out the past few days. 

Right after my best friend’s wedding, it climaxed.

Post-wedding trauma I think would be a great name for it. It’s something all the bridesmaid, especially the maid-of-honor gets after a long day of preparation from the wedding.  From the phone coordinations to the actual hands on running around in inched heels (for someone who loves sneakers that’s a mighty big deal) 

The wedding was a success, they loved the avps, and they loved everything else that came with it. The bride got feedback from people texting her they had loads of fun even for a simple wedding. All the rushing about in heels made a difference.  

But it’s not just a physical thing.

That’s easy. Easy as calling the sky blue on a great day. 

What gets to me is the mental part.

That leads to the emotional part.

That further leads to the part where I get myself into more trouble because the emotional-part is heightened by watching movies like 27 Dresses a day after the wedding. Damned.

The part where you starting thinking about the people who asks you “when are you getting married?” before, during and even after your best friends wedding. Where you either reply with a REALLY polite smile, brush it off, or snap back with a remark like “I really like being single,” but is actually wishing you could snap back with a witty remark like “Not yet, because the sex is better.” Just to shut them up. Top that with a conversation my dad and sister had, when asked what if “big” sis got married? and the reply was, “She should, but I don’t want to pressure her.”

Plus, the fact that you’re the only one left in your group who isn’t married off and each time you’re introduced to a grandparentish person, he or she would throw a comment and a short interview and then drop the deal-sealing line “Ok, I’ll look for someone for you” (in chinese) AS IF, you asked them to go and find you a husband. AS IF, you in your own way, couldn’t find one yourself that’s why you needed “wisdomful” help from the elderly. 

AS IF, marriage is the END ALL BE ALL of my existence. 

But…

I still can’t help but feel…what if they’re right? What if, I’m the one stuck in my own handmade world, thinking otherwise? Thinking that I’m not in a rush, thinking that I don’t really care if a wedding happens in the next few years or not. Only lying to myself that I’m not in a hurry. Deadma na. 

And getting that intense feeling that you’re not wedding material because, one, you’re afraid to commit that deeply due to external factors that may affect your lifestyle; two, you’re afraid he’s really never going to propose because he doesn’t believe in weddings at least the way you do and he already told you so; three, there’s no one else who’ll help you plan your own wedding when you’re the only one left in your group of friends who is single, just in case the “he” in number two changes his mind; Four, you are not wedding or marriage material. 

Fuck. 

 


April 2021
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