Streaks of Light

Archive for November 2008

I woke up one morning and felt that I was ready to die. 

This is not a blog of angst, instead, I think it’s more of an awakening. 

It was the first time, in a very long time, I felt content with what I had, all my experiences and if I was to die today, it wasn’t going to be a big deal. I would have not “what ifs” and I don’t even believe I’d have the so called flashbacks of the life you had on your last moment on earth. I’m not even tired or bored of everything to want to die. 

In fact, I’m not choosing to die. But if it happened, then it’s alright. I won’t fight my way out of the tunnel of light.

I know I won’t. 

Maybe this is how an old man feels on his deathbed. Contentment.

Just plain old and dependable, Contentment. 

Life’s really just one big rollercoaster, there will always be that constant uphill and downhill. It never goes away, even when the tracks feel straight, it’s just prepping you up for another uphill. The loops get so constant that when you look back on the knotted tracks, everything stops. It just does.

And then you start to float. Contented that you’ve ridden the loops and fought your way around the unending coaster. But now, you’re just ready to get off.

Tags:

Yes, blame it on me.

All on me. 

I took everything you threw at me. All the nonsense, stupid remarks I got in the past, what? 8 years? About my job, how from the first few years, you were all in a state of denial that your daughter was growing up. Desperately trying to latch on her last few years of “childhood” (childhood at age 21? damned.) 

You don’t even know what I do in the first place. Both of you. So please, after 8 years of running through the same old lines, can both of you just SHUT UP? 

SHUT UP.

Please. 

Your overprotectiveness smothers the life out of us. Maybe that’s why some of us don’t even have backbones to begin with. It’s just too much. And then you ask why isn’t _____ as aggressive as I am. Duh. You might want to try to look in the mirror. You might just catch a glimpse of the culprit.

I just didn’t allow myself to get sucked in by your overprotectiveness. Call me stubborn, disrespectful to a point, even arrogant, but I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF to sit in a corner while you contently bask away in all your fears. 

You chose your fears over my freedom, so stop putting the blame all on me. 

“The driver stayed up late last night, he didn’t get some sleep.” I KNOW. We were with the driver trying to find a way out of the maze that was fort-after-the-concert. Do you honestly think I wanted us to get home at 1am last night? Do you think I wanted to work up until 1am the following night? Do you think I love being showered with guilt every time I reach home and see everyone already asleep? My god. You don’t trust me enough, do you? 

And so, after a series of unnerving dialogues, you now conclude that I am just plainly inconsiderate. Oh wow. That’s really nice, coming from a person whose sense of consideration stems from getting approval from everyone else and never from herself. Wow. Just wow.


November 2008
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