Streaks of Light

This is for all the hyper sensitive emotional people out there:

The world does not revolve around you.

To be honest, I couldn’t careless about what you think because you don’t make logical sense anyway. I’m tired of trying to talk sense and provide you the eomtional support you don’t need. You don’t deserve my support. Your selfishness consumes you to a fault.

So let go of me and look for a sounding board somewhere far from here, because we don’t need you here.

I’ve been married for a year. And I still don’t get this marriage thing.

Why people “love” getting married is a mystery to me. Being able to experience it for a year, leads me to believe that maybe I wasn’t reallycut out for this in the first place. I do have my fair share of i-am-getting-older-when-am-i-getting-married modes, but I have this gutfeel that that feeling isn’t as strong as my i-want-my-freedom moods.

The only thing that kept me together is my dog Peanut. But apart from that, I can say that there is nothing special about being married. The status of being married complicates life. It complicated mine, I should say.

It did get me to leave the house. My childhood home that is still filled with my parents arguments, stubborn headedness and mood swings. All that I exchanged for my husbands own mood swings. god, will these people ever understand that life should just be experienced for what it is, instead of being too cautious about the past or about the future?

How can some people stay insane inside their brains for a really long time?

Repetitive wasted thoughts. Runnin cycles every 3 seconds, wanting someone to listen to them when they don’t even deserve to be listened to and just waste other people’s quiet time?

Man, I’m taking a break and I don’t need to know what your brain is like, what your opinions are, I couldn’t care less. Damned if you can just shut up for 1 whole minute I swear this moment would be perfect.

I’m tired of fear. I’m damned tired listening to fearful people. Fuck them and their problems. If you isolate each and every detail it all boils down to fear.

Tell it to them, they don’t change. Instead the next most comfortable thing to do is forget.

Communication. Yes, in other words it’s your mouth. 

People here are so caught up with surviving that they forget that the ultimate method to survive is to use their mouths to speak their heart and their brains. They fear too much, too stupidly. 

Everywhere there is a gap with every person I meet. They try to hide every detail but I can see it clearly. I can the intentions, I can read their actions, I can predict what happens next. The problem is even if I verbalize it, their fear kicks in and lets loose. 

Like this instance, I was in a shoot the whole day yesterday. We were shooting products for a company. I have our two account executives on board to organize and manage the client and the production. One of the account executives needed to leave at 7pm. It would be easier if this account person just ASKED me that she needs to leave prior to leaving. But noooo. She would insist in her own world that she is FEARFUL of ASKING PERMISSION from her senior that she needs to go earlier than the client. So what happens next? At 7pm, she is already bustling to leave, the client still at the shoot. Her energy is all over the place, fearful of getting told to stay and fearful of future problems with her boyfriend (the one who fetched her at 7pm) Now ain’t that stupid? I never understood why people would want to go through the effort of not being able to ASK and then panicking at the onset of the problem. It fails to convince me that this is the right methodology to use. From an observers point of view, the account person looked stupid.

It’s a methodology that always ends in failure. So why keep doing it? Is it an addiction to panic? 

Just today, I found my coffee container taped with adhesive so crazily that it already looked like a container made from tape. Did someone at home accidentally break it? Did they think that by taping it, it would cover the problem? It only made it worse. It made the problem so visible that you’ll be surprised how the solution didn’t even come close to solving it. If they just came clean and acknowledged the problem, then the solution would have been easier to handle. 

People are given mouths to speak. It’s position right between the brain and the heart so that you are able to communicate thoroughly your opinions and your problems and ask for help. 

For one thing, apologizing doesn’t come easily to people. Why are people so driven by fear? Are they afraid to get killed because of a mistake? Are they afraid to be judged? Are they afraid to commit mistakes? They are not even surrounded by murderers or killers to actually fear telling people that they were mistaken. 

Why is it so hard to communicate? 



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Tell me what you really think, stop trying to hide behind everything,
Stop disappearing and making like nothing happened. I’m not the same person.
Stop concluding that life should revolve around the principles you’ve set and that you believe in.
Avoiding the inevitable only prolongs the pain, unless you really intend to torture people, then you’re really not who you say you are.
You can always make up dozens of excuses not to confront the situation, but it will exist and will stay existing until you do something about.

So stop telling me nothing. Say what you need to say, there’s no such thing as the right timing. Everything is already timed as it is.

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Posted on: May 8, 2009

I think reading Osho is helping me survive the month. haha

Yet another excerpt taken from 365 Days of Osho, I wonder why it reminds me of someone haha:

When you live with blind people, live like a blind person.
You cannot change the whole world.

I know bureaucracy exists, but it has to exist because people are absolutely irresponsible. There is no way suddenly to drop the bureaucracy and the court and the law and the police offices. There is no way, because you will not be able to live for a single moment. It is a necessary evil. One just has to learn to live with people who are not alert, who are fast asleep, who are snoring. It may be disturbing to you, but nothing can be done about it.

At the most, the one thing you can do is not to enforce the same bureaucracy that has been forced on our by society. Don’t force it on anybody else. You may have a wife, a husband, children – don’t force it on them or on your friends. That’s all you can do. But you have to live in society and you have to follow the rules.

So don’t just condemn things. Try to understand. There are many evils that are needed; they are necessary. The choice between right and wrong. In real life the choice is always between a bigger and a lesser evil, a bigger wrong and a lesser wrong.

October 2021

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